Fruit is often a wonderful experience to the palate, especially as a refreshing break from the summer heat. A succulent strawberry or a brilliant blueberry makes my day so much better as I’m thrown into a world of wonderful sweetness.
However, there’s a few fruits that fail at tasting good. It’s a wonder that some early humans bred these awful foods. Perhaps they were forced to eat them because it was either that or some rancid, wild rabbit.
These awful creations have somehow become the apple of at least a few people’s eyes and are now mass produced for the world to enjoy. Quite frankly, it amazes me that anybody could like the three following fruits: watermelon, coconut and green bananas.
First up is–for some inexplicable reason–everybody’s favorite barbecue fruit. Watermelon is a trainwreck of a food that doesn’t deserve to be served next to my hot dogs.
The first awful part of this food is the taste. It’s such a vague and basic sweetness that it begs the question why birds decided to even carry on its sad, pathetic existence. Watermelon whispers “sweetness” into one’s ear, but the word is swept away by the wind.
It doesn’t have the explosion of flavor that a pineapple does. It doesn’t have the charming acidity of a blueberry. It doesn’t have the fun-ability to fill up one’s smile like an orange slice.
So how is watermelon so universally praised? Is it the awful sticky wetness that gets everywhere? Is it the extremely awful texture?
I will admit one thing: I can see how people enjoy the “water” part of it. I can understand the joy of sinking one’s teeth into a hydrating fruit when they’re sweating bullets in the hot and humid Chicago summer.
Just for the record, all the melons are bad. They’re all the same basic concept with slightly different awful flavors.
Seriously, consider a fruit platter for one second with blueberries, strawberries, pineapple and watermelon. Is watermelon not easily the worst fruit here? Even people who like watermelon can admit that it doesn’t hold a candle to the top tier fruits.
The second tragedy is coconut. The taste is once again very average, but the texture of this fruit is what makes it a truly awful thing to eat. The weird stringy, leathery format that it comes in ruins even high quality desserts.
The people that insist on hard-as-a-rock pecans in sundaes are likely the same individuals that put coconut shavings in random dishes. Quite frankly, I’ve never actually come into possession of a whole coconut, and I’m not sure I know anybody who has either. The fruit can’t even make a consistent appearance in the kitchen.
It only briefly shows up in Samoas and whatever random Pinterest dessert is trending that week. I shudder when I overhear an aunt or a grandmother lauding over something like coconut bars. “They’re super delicious, and they’re not even unhealthy if you ignore the 15 cups of sugar the recipe called for to make them edible.”
Thirdly, green bananas. My mother likes bananas on the green side, and it makes me extremely distraught as someone who loves her. I’m not sure what kind of Jello salad childhood led to her misguided taste preferences.
I think our cultural perception of yellow bananas being the best stage of the fruit is just unfounded. The sweetness is quickly dashed by the strong bitterness. I eat bananas a lot for breakfast, and I know that I’m in for a bad time when there’s no brown spots.
They’re absolutely perfect right before they’re overripe.
Well, I’m afraid I must flee now. I can already see the watermelons being launched at my window, and I can hear faint sounds of coconuts cracking on a nearby street. It’s getting bananas.
