My hate letter to ranch dressing
More stories from Madeline O'Neil
While many midwesterners consider ranch a household condiment, I knows how disgusting it truly is.
Disclaimer: If you have Hidden Valley ranch in your fridge, ignore this article.
This is my hate letter to ranch. I have no love for this condiment, but before you try to kill me, here’s why.
My family is not from the midwest. This might make me a little biased, but you have to hear me out. When I first tried ranch I knew instantly that would be the last time the condiment cursed my taste buds.
When I first announced my hatred for ranch, my friends were appalled. Their jaws dropped, exclaiming “How could you ever disrespect the best condiment ever?” Honestly, if ranch wasn’t bad enough, being roasted for not liking it is even worse.
There are many factors that go into why ranch is bad. First off, the smell just reminds me of sweaty feet in a hot public-pool changing room. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I don’t really have the taste buds for wet feet.
Going into the taste (regretfully I’ve tried it), I don’t like how creamy ranch is despite the zesty taste. How does that texture and flavor even work together? It baffles me.
If ranch wasn’t bad enough with the smell and taste, I am even more shocked at what foods people put ranch on. If you even like the condiment, it should go on salad. However I see a surplus of ranch lovers using ranch on chicken, fries, and even PIZZA.
Pizza, a beautiful food in itself, shouldn’t have its flavors covered by the nasty salad dressing that so many people disrespect it with. It is probably the reason why I detest ranch so much. Ruining pizza with ranch is like dropping your phone in the ocean on purpose.
You might be thinking, “She’s definitely a picky eater, who doesn’t like ranch?” Trust me, I love all other condiments! Put mayo on my sandwich, put mustard on my hotdog, put barbeque on my ribs, but I don’t put ranch on my fries.
I’m sorry I don’t like ranch. I truly am. Just kidding, I don’t know why people are hating on my taste buds.
I am here to spread awareness to other ranch-haters. You are not alone. In a sea of midwesterners, I too, hate ranch.
All in all, if you like ranch, I can’t change your mind. I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope you are doing okay.
I’ll respect your addiction, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be buying ranch any time soon. I’ll just stick to plain old pizza for the time being. The moral of the story is this: there are ranch lovers, and then there are normal people.
John Cardella • Apr 5, 2024 at 4:27 am
Ranch dressing is the most vile substance on Earth! One time at a friend’s she made Mac & Cheese. She mixed ranch dressing in it. I had to feign not feeling well & only wanting a small portion. I suffered through putting spoonfuls in my mouth & and washing it down with water. This disgusting stuff can make me gag and puke. I don’t consider myself a picky eater I just cannot do ranch, ketchup, mayonnaise, and cinnamon!
KC • May 16, 2022 at 1:05 am
Thanks for the blog post! You are not alone, I too cannot stand ranch either!!! I just moved to Nashville from the Washington DC area and Ranch dressing clearly reigns supreme here and I HATE IT! When I go to Whole Foods, they carry Cindy’s Kitchen organic salad dressing in many flavors, but not the creamy Caesar which is my favorite, oh but they’re stocked to the rafters with Cindy’s Kitchen RANCH, hundreds of bottles right along side of Whole Foods 360 brand Ranch. It’s not much better going to restaurants, sandwiches are often served with Ranch and not mayo and worst of all, mexican food here is often served with ranch or chipotle RANCH, how about just some crema! I feel like screaming! It’s everywhere down here, including served with pizza, which is an abomination! I hope to find the Cindy’s Caesar dressing soon, it was my favorite but so hard to find here in Ranch Hell! UGH!!!!! Anyway, please know you are not alone.
Kay • Nov 13, 2021 at 1:22 pm
Wow I really I knew me and my best friend were not the only ones that despised this horrid taste/smell/invention. & blue cheese “ranch” may as well have the same hatred.
Tom • Sep 9, 2021 at 10:45 am
You’re brave to taste it; just the smell of the stuff makes me gag.
Elsee • Sep 3, 2021 at 12:04 am
I couldn’t agree more. I too hate Ranch dressing. It absolutely kills me to see people who order salad to be healthy but drown it in this nasty white gross concoction. I’ve never liked it and never will. ?
Chad • Aug 13, 2021 at 12:52 pm
I thought I was weird for not liking ranch. I can’t count how many times I looked at a menu and thought “that looks good” only to find it has ranch on it. Hard pass. And like you said, even pizza is no longer safe from the white menace.
Mark Hernandez • Aug 7, 2021 at 12:37 pm
I absolutely hate Ranch Dressing and I’m from the midwest. I prefer Blue Cheese, or Garlic Dressing.
John • May 15, 2021 at 4:08 pm
Actually, it’s more like dropping your phone in the toilet on purpose.. I also hate ranch. Had it ONCE about 30 years ago and I’m still traumatized to this day. And i completely agree with all your reasons! Smells rancid and putrid. You covered it spot on!
John • Nov 10, 2021 at 6:28 am
After researching the history of ranch, it may have been a good dressing as it started out, but it went terribly wrong somewhere. I would venture another try of an authentic homemade version, though.
Nish • Mar 29, 2021 at 8:29 am
? Hi, Madeline. Did you know that I hate ranch dressing too?! I love Thousand Island dressing, but can’t stand the taste & smell of ranch dressing.