My hate letter to ranch dressing


    Anna Phifer

    While many midwesterners consider ranch a household condiment, I knows how disgusting it truly is.

    Disclaimer: If you have Hidden Valley ranch in your fridge, ignore this article.

    This is my hate letter to ranch. I have no love for this condiment, but before you try to kill me, here’s why.

    My family is not from the midwest. This might make me a little biased, but you have to hear me out. When I first tried ranch I knew instantly that would be the last time the condiment cursed my taste buds.

    When I first announced my hatred for ranch, my friends were appalled. Their jaws dropped, exclaiming “How could you ever disrespect the best condiment ever?” Honestly, if ranch wasn’t bad enough, being roasted for not liking it is even worse.

    There are many factors that go into why ranch is bad. First off, the smell just reminds me of sweaty feet in a hot public-pool changing room. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I don’t really have the taste buds for wet feet.

    Going into the taste (regretfully I’ve tried it), I don’t like how creamy ranch is despite the zesty taste. How does that texture and flavor even work together? It baffles me.

    If ranch wasn’t bad enough with the smell and taste, I am even more shocked at what foods people put ranch on. If you even like the condiment, it should go on salad. However I see a surplus of ranch lovers using ranch on chicken, fries, and even PIZZA.

    Pizza, a beautiful food in itself, shouldn’t have its flavors covered by the nasty salad dressing that so many people disrespect it with. It is probably the reason why I detest ranch so much. Ruining pizza with ranch is like dropping your phone in the ocean on purpose.

    You might be thinking, “She’s definitely a picky eater, who doesn’t like ranch?” Trust me, I love all other condiments! Put mayo on my sandwich, put mustard on my hotdog, put barbeque on my ribs, but I don’t put ranch on my fries.

    I’m sorry I don’t like ranch. I truly am. Just kidding, I don’t know why people are hating on my taste buds.

    I am here to spread awareness to other ranch-haters. You are not alone. In a sea of midwesterners, I too, hate ranch.

    All in all, if you like ranch, I can’t change your mind. I’m sorry you feel that way. I hope you are doing okay.

    I’ll respect your addiction, but that doesn’t mean I’ll be buying ranch any time soon. I’ll just stick to plain old pizza for the time being. The moral of the story is this: there are ranch lovers, and then there are normal people.