100% fact based journalism: weekly horoscopes

Aries – You should get that matching face tattoo you’ve been thinking about.

Taurus – Seeing others wearing red is likely to enrage you. Stop yourself from charging at them and impaling them with your horns.

Gemini – You are susceptible to clickbait. Try to stay more on track to attain success. 

Cancer – A piece of popcorn will become stuck in your tooth, haunting you with the feeling even after it is out.

Leo – You care far too much about what the stars tell you.

Virgo – Someone has put poison in your toothpaste. To be safe, you must stop brushing your teeth for at least six months.

Libra – Always remember to check for deer ticks after leaving the forest.

Scorpio – Death is inevitable.

Sagittarius – H.A.G.S. is in your future. Try to make more friends next year to avoid this curse.

Capricorn – We know.

Aquarius – Stay away from large pits of grain. It only takes two to three seconds to become helpless in the grain.

Pisces – Avoid putting your trust in horoscopes found on SouthBlueprint.com.