Aries – You will have a birthday between March 21 and April 19 of next year.

Taurus – You McFreaking got this, broski.

Gemini – Don’t be too afraid of learning that you were adopted and ate your twin in utero.

Cancer – Things are going to be okay. Sometimes life is tough, but people love you.

Leo –  Get it, gurrrrrrrrrl. Like, you look good today, babe.

Virgo – You need to give Jessica the silent treatment. She knows what she did.

Libra – Your friends will be receptive when you remind them that the working class are modern day serfs.

Scorpio – Avoid making eye contact with anyone. That’s how the government gets you.

Sagittarius – You will reread this sentence to look for the mistake that I put in here.

Capricorn – Your vegan friend won’t shut up about how he has this amazing vegan pizza recipe, and how he feels so much better and how he cries every time he goes to the grocery store because of “those poor animals.” Did he mention that he’s a vegan?

Aquarius – You volunteered to write horoscopes, but you have no idea why. You can get through anything.

Pisces – Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene II, Line 140-141.