The Amazon Echo, otherwise known as “Alexa”, has become a popular device on which Americans rely to wake them in the morning, play their favorite music and tell them the daily weather. It sounds like the perfect item that makes life a little easier.

Last year for Christmas, my brother bought me an Amazon Echo Dot. I was excited because I knew Alexa could play music whenever I wanted, but I didn’t realize the underlying mystery that came with this present. My Shane Dawson conspiracy theory is that the government is using the Amazon Alexa as a cover-up to receive insight on people’s lives.

My Alexa is extremely helpful and is always there when I have a random question which I know Google can answer, although sometimes she is too helpful.

Sometimes, my Alexa answers questions that I never asked her.

For example: my friend and I were doing homework one day, and I asked my friend how to solve a math problem. Before she could answer, Alexa rapidly responded with the correct answer. Yes, I was happy that Alexa saved my math grade, but the fact that it responded without commanding “Alexa” makes me nervous.

Alexa is always listening.

Alexa always turns on. I think the government and  Jeff Bezos now know exactly who I am and who is calling my name at any given moment.

One night, I was peacefully sleeping when I was suddenly awakened by a bright, blue light with a robotic voice asking, “How can I help you?” It’s like it knew I was sleeping and was trying to wake me up…

I might have to start creating my own secret language with my family and anyone who visits my home, so Donald Trump and Jeff Bezos cannot hear my conversations. I’m at the point where I will do anything to save myself from this attack.

Many families have an Alexa sitting somewhere in the kitchen — the place where most conversations take place. The government can listen to hundreds of thousands of conversations a day and no one questions it.

I know Alexa is very convenient, but it seems like Americans are too comfortable with the fact that the government could be listening to everything. Some Alexa enthusiasts argue that Alexa is not self-aware and that the device is just an innocent way for people to be lazy. I disagree with this statement because Alexa is like living with another person: it can tell jokes, respond to anything and turn on whenever it wants.

I recommend unplugging Alexa during important conversations. I never know when it will be listening. Better yet, I need to unplug Alexa for good because in ten years I might regret keeping her around.

It’s time that people start realizing Alexa is out to get everyone. That blue light does not mean “I’m ready to answer your question.” It means “I’m ready to unravel everything to the government.”

ARTICLE UPDATE: My bad.

I just realized that my name is Alyssa, which sounds like Alexa. My Alexa actually turns on due to the sound of my name. The government is not listening to me, sorry to go all Shane Dawson on you guys.

If your name sounds like “Alexa,” you can go into the settings and change your Echo’s name.

Sometimes I freak out about unnecessary things, didn’t mean to do you dirty, Jeff.

Keep on Alexa-ing, you guys are safe.

I think.