Vampires: sexy or scary: an investigation: the article

Marc Alvarez

More stories from Marc Alvarez

Issue 3
January 25, 2019
Issue 5
May 18, 2018

Vampires are traditionally seen as scary monsters, but recently they have been portrayed in a different light. Not sunlight, of course, as that would kill them. If you read YA fiction or watch TV and movies then vampires are no longer seen as the frail, evil, blood-sucking murderers that they are but as sex symbols.

First, let’s delve into why vampires are seen so positively now. From “Twilight” to “True Blood” to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” vampires are the hot new thing. It’s hard to pin down exactly where this trend started, but regardless, it’s here to stay.

I get that vampires can be seen as mysterious or exciting in a dangerous type of way. But today is the day I crush your dreams of falling in love with a vampire.

First, death is not hot. Don’t be fooled, vampires may try to woo with their distant looks, but underneath their pale faces lie a murderous mind plotting your doom. That’s right, their goal is to kill you, not to love you eternally.

Keep in mind that after your delightful moonlit dinner, the only thing on your vampire date’s mind is how and when they can viciously murder and dismember you. While you may be dreaming of roses and romance, your vampire date has blood and death on their mind.

Second, they are dead. Vampires by definition are dead. I’m sorry, but personally I don’t see the appeal of a dead person.

Vampires are also old. They live for hundreds, if not thousands of years. When I think about someone that is a couple centuries old, my first thought is definitely not that they’re sexy.

The problems don’t end there. Old people won’t understand your technology or way of life. They won’t get your funny “Office” or “Parks and Rec” references or be able to talk to you about anything that has happened in the past few hundred years.

Old people also smell bad. I’m not sure why this is, but it’s definitely true. So under their handsome exterior, vampires are putting out some serious body odor.

Vampires are also incredibly limited in what they can do. Any daytime activities that you ever wanted to experience with your significant other are off the table. Some of the other activities you can’t partake in include a walk through a funhouse mirror maze, the local garlic festival or attend a church service.

You also aren’t going to be able to hang out at their house as vampires are often found living in the ground, in coffins, or both. Personally, I don’t think a graveyard is a particularly enticing place to hang out.

So, if you manage to make it through your first date alive then your relationship with the old, decaying, blood-hungry murderer is going to be confined to hanging out in deserted graveyards and always watching behind your back to try to prevent your inevitable murder.

Vampires are a lot of things: dead, old, murderous, smelly and most of all scary. But the one thing they most definitely are not is sexy.