Aquarius: This next week will be good for you. Probably. Your lucky color is red. If you see something red, luck is on the way.

Pisces: Your future is a mystery, there is a 80% chance that the next week is mediocre and 20% that your life spirals out of control. Your lucky color is blue. If you see something blue, luck is on the way or it is a sign of your imminent doom.

Aries: It was recently your birthday. With the turning of the clock so too will your life turn your dreams into reality. Your lucky color is green. If you see something green, then all of your dreams will come true.

Taurus:  Your zodiac sign is also a mid-tier Ford sedan. Congratulations. In the next week you’ll be gifted a new car. This is a guarantee. Your lucky color is purple, if you see something purple a new car will appear in your driveway in the next 24 hours.

Gemini: My crystal ball is hazy for those born between May 21 and June 20. Sorry that I can’t help. Your lucky color is grey, if you see something grey something will happen. However, I can’t say what it will be.

Cancer: Exciting new things are on the horizon for you. Keep an eye out for the color orange, if you see orange this is a sign that drastic changes in your life will happen over the next week.

Leo: Leo is a lion and so are you. Go out and roar this next week. Literally roar in the face of other people and only good things are bound to happen. Your lucky color is yellow, if you see something yellow or stare into the sun you will literally turn into a lion.

Virgo: Nothing will change in your life in the next week. You don’t have a lucky color, sorry.

Libra: Libra means scale or weight in Latin, it is also the reason that pounds are abbreviated lbs. Over the next week you will have many decisions that will weigh heavily on you. Whether you will scale the challenges in front of you is unclear. Your lucky color is clear, if you see anything translucent take this as a sign to make an impulsive decision on something important.

Scorpio: Scorpions are scary and kill people. Therefore I will not be providing you any advice. You don’t have a lucky color.

Sagittarius: According to wikipedia.org, “Sagittarius is the ninth astrological sign, which is associated with the constellation Sagittarius and spans 240–270th degrees of the zodiac. Under the tropical zodiac, the sun transits this sign between approximately November 23 and December 21.” What this means for you in the next week is unclear. What is clear is that many different things will happen to you in the next week, some of them with different people. Your lucky color is rainbow, which means that any color is your lucky color.

Capricorn: A capricorn is like a unicorn except it’s not. Instead of a boring old horse with one useless horn, a capricorn has the upper body and head of a goat and the lower body and tail of fish. This is a lot cooler. And so are you. Next week people will finally realize you’re cool too. Your lucky color is pink, if you see something pink you’ll soon win the lottery.