As I look around the dinner table, I see the faces of those I hold dear. As someone who is busy, it’s refreshing to have a time where I can just sit down and enjoy my family. But something feels off.

There is an empty spot at the table.

In June of this past year, I lost my grandpa. Losing someone is never easy for anyone, and the feeling of emptiness that comes with it is an immense weight to carry. This weight becomes even heavier around the holidays.

It seems impossible and almost wrong to carry on as if nothing has changed, and at the same time it is equally as hard to shut out the holidays all together. It’s a game where no one wins and everyone just leaves with the same hole in their heart as before. So how does one go about the holidays?

Grief is different for everybody, but nearly everyone who has experienced a loss knows that you must take care of yourself. I can’t beat myself up for getting sad when I realize that there is no more Papa to compliment the cranberry sauce or make jokes about the family. The bottom line is, it sucks.

But it doesn’t have to.

Nothing is going to bring my grandpa back, but there are a lot of things I can do to make him feel ever present. I can carry on his humor throughout the day, I can talk to him–though it may seem like I’m crazy because I’m talking to a box. And probably the easiest thing to do is simply just remembering him.

And though it may seem morbid, cracking a joke at my grandpa is what my family loves to do. We also decorate his urn, which seems really strange, but my grandpa was a festive guy and we wouldn’t want to cramp his style. The holidays are a difficult time and will continue to be that way for a while I’m sure, but at least for now I can live with this fact that my grandpa is still present, he just can’t ask for someone to pass the potatoes.