There have been moments in my life where I have just been tired of eating edible food. Whether it was in a moment of weakness or stupidity I’m not sure, but what I do know is that I have a history of eating inedible things. I know you’re with me on this. Or maybe I was just weird in middle school.
From Babybel wax to pond rocks, some inedible objects just have this enticing aura surrounding them. Before we get into this top 10 list compiling some things I would eat if they were edible and safe, I would like to offer a disclaimer. Do NOT eat any item on this list no matter how tasty they sound, please.
#10: Babybel Cheese Wax
There is something intoxicating about the little red wax wrap that encases a nugget of Babybel cheese. While of course I’ve never swallowed it I am guilty of taking a bite. A chomp. Even a nibble if you will. Yes it was waxy and no, I didn’t swallow it. And neither should you.
#9: Nerf Football
I have a confession to make. You know when you were at recess when you were younger? And you were last in line which meant your last choice in the ball bin was a Nerf Football? And how that Nerf Football always had a bite taken out of it? Yeah… that might have been me. In my defense it only happened once (give or take three times). I would rate the experience a 2 out of 10; please do not ingest foam.
#8: Those reed things that grow next to water
I’m not sure if you’ve ever bitten into one of these but the best way I could describe it is as a demonic corndog. You would think it would be squishy and maybe even plant-y? But no. I definitely do not recommend doing this yourself if you haven’t already. Eating a Cattail was like swallowing a hundred of those dandelion sprouts at once. It was traumatizing at worst and character building at best.
#7: Hot Glue Sticks
I am neither going to confirm nor deny having chewed on one of these in my lifetime (I totally have and it was less than 6 months ago). I’m not sure if it was non-toxic but at the same time that doesn’t make it any less dangerous. Of course I didn’t swallow the glue, but chewing on it probably wasn’t the smartest decision either. Again, just to reiterate, please do NOT chew or consume any of these objects. Think of me like D.A.R.E for inanimate objects.
#6: Bouncy Balls
The same thing goes for rubber as it does for glue. Even though I am 99% sure I have taken a bite out of an Old Navy bouncy ball in my lifetime, PLEASE do not ingest anything that isn’t food. I was also 6 years old and clearly didn’t have the capacity to understand what I was doing.
#5: Transparent bingo counters
If any Lakeview kids remember Mrs. Rickert’s class you know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t know if they’re exclusively used for bingo but that’s at least what we used them for. I can only imagine the crispy, crunchy sound that would accompany biting down into a stack of these counters. (As a disclaimer to my disclaimer, I will not be held responsible for injury if you are stupid enough to eat anything on this list).
#4: Cooling Water Jelly Tint Blush + Lip Stain by Milk
I don’t wear makeup, but I have a bunch of friends who do. When my friend Sabrina first showed me a photo of this blush stick I think you can imagine what was on my mind. I just feel it would be like taking a bite out of a little stick of jell-o (without the fruity taste). To be completely honest part of me has thought about buying one of these for this sole purpose which is why it has earned its spot at #4 on this list. If you own or are planning on owning one of these blush sticks please keep its application on your face and out of your mouth.
#3: Little mochi squishy animals
I think I would feel kind of bad taking a nibble out of one of these little guys. They’re adorable but alas, incredibly alluring. I want to bite one of these little dudes in the same way I wanted to take a bite out of my friend’s slime in the seventh grade. The sole thing holding me back is that I can only imagine how many people’s grubby little fingers have been all over them. For the risk of disease, death, and choking I am yet again BEGGING you not to eat one of these little critters.
#2: Those round Oakbrook mall pond rocks
If you have ever been to Oakbrook Mall you (probably) know what I’m talking about. Those little waterfall fixtures they have installed along the walkways all have a pile of these little rocks covering the grates. I can just imagine chomping down on one of these and grinding my teeth into its geological goodness. But I am sticking to just that. Imagining it. All of these items are purely fantasy and if I find out any of you readers are taking an IRL chomp I will NOT be held liable.
#1: Fiberglass Insulation
You saw this one coming when you clicked on this list. I know I’ve overused the word enticing in this article but I can’t think of a better descriptor for this pretty pink cloud of goodness. When we were renovating our house I wanted nothing more than to rip a chunk out of the wall and dive face first into a pile of pink. But I didn’t. Because I have self-control. Sometimes. If this demonic cotton candy wouldn’t cause me stomach blockages and cuts in my throat it would be down the hatch in a heartbeat.
